I've been kicking ass at Best Buy, which is good. 99.9% of the time I ask a manager/senior before I make any kind of deal (I'm in computer sales) .. the one time I don't, and broker a really tiny deal to get a guy to get our full services, the order goes all fubar, and they have to call the GM to come figure out WTF is wrong. Of course the problem stems from my giving him the deal, so this comes into scrutiny. The manager asks about this, then asks who ok'd the deal. I tell him one of the sales managers did, and I'm hoping to god the complete insanity of the season lets things slide a little. I'd like to keep this job at least for a little while. Balls.
Aside from that, I'm loving this job. I'm kinda good at it.
In the end I do think it's a good thing, because from everything that happened this past weekend, I don't think she's the type of girl I'd really want anyways. It's not that I put her on a pedestal, but certain traits showed up this weekend that showed a lack of character and maturity that I wouldn't be able to abide by.
Things seemed to be going well with this girl, and I have people who can back me up on this, it's not a case of me getting a stupid crush on someone that was completely unrequited. Certain things were said, I was lead to believe things were going somewhere. I could tell, though, that while she might have liked me a little, she didn't like me as much as I liked her -- she rarely asked how I was doing, what I was up to, etc.
Most of this was online -- she lived 2 hours away. When we did get together the first time, sparks were there. It was cute and romantic and wonderful.
However... I've heard long distance is hard, and someone told me recently that starting something over long distance is even harder, and I've come to realize how true that is. She never really understood the person I was, how I thought, and I can say the same of myself towards her. We didn't have time around each other to learn each other's body language.
A few weeks back she came to visit, and apparently I made her feel awkward, and the next day things ended. I did not take it well. Well, things ended on a 'this is going somewhere scale' ... there seemed to be the promise of at the very least being friends, if not a bit more than that.
This past weekend was FanExpo, a huge convention in Toronto. I work many conventions with a local comic store whose owner, and staff I'm friends with. She also worked this booth with us, which is how I met her previously. She seemed to be avoiding me a bit at first, and I kept trying, in passing, to flirt/joke, but I seemed to be met by some resistance. Finally, the whole not understanding each other's body language came into play... I was trying to play a bit and poke her. She shook her head and gave me what I thought was a dirty look. When I asked 'what?' she just shook her head again, repeating the look, then turning away. I took this badly. She spent the rest of the weekend both avoiding, ignoring,being rude to me, lying to me and getting other people to lie to me, so that I wouldn't try to spend time with her. It could be excused if I took the initial look as a dirty look. I tried to keep things to myself -- clearly I was upset, but as none of the other staff working with us besides myself, Kristina, and the owner of the store really knew each other, there was no reason to believe any of them knew exactly what was bothering me and whether it was con related. When I had a panic attack and when I was looking miserable, I told others it was lack of sleep, too much caffeine, and too much shit going on (which was not a lie, there was much more than just this situation happening to me) When pressed by the folks I was working the anime booth with (Kristina was in a seperate area/booth working our sci-fi section) I started saying I was having some girl issues. When they started talking about romantic problems of their own and wanted me to share, I started my story, without involving names or that it was at the convention, and they managed to finish it for me, followed by "Everyone knows." To which I was then informed that people were talking, telling others that there had been something and it ended badly between us.
I think I know what happened to make her feel awkward, which I realized this morning -- I never felt good enough for her, I never understood why she'd like me. Granted this is not entirely in my head, as I knew she liked guys with long hair, athletic, slim -- which I am not. I go to the gym, I've got muscles, but I am far from slim or athletic, and I sure as hell don't have long hair. I always had this nagging feeling that I wasn't smart enough or athletic enough for her. In the end, a lack of self-confidence killed this, as what she said was me 'watching her' and trying to gauge her reactions was not entirely untrue... I kept watching to see if she'd look at me at all, if she'd give me any kind of look that told me she liked me... and she never did, or I never saw it.
We've ended our friendship, if temporarily, and I'm incredibly saddened by it. She doesn't have enough faith in me or trust me enough to believe that I wouldn't take something she said the wrong way and think she liked me, and after this past weekend I just don't trust her.
And that's the end for now, as I have to go to work.
We only accept the love we think we deserve.
- Mood:
depressed
The courtship process however is entirely lost on me. Be amazing. Pull away. Be a dick, pull them in. Don't show your true feelings, don't compliment them too much.
While I can't say I'm always honest, this approach has always bothered me because it inherently lacks honesty. You're trying to cover up and hide, trying to be something you're not, most of the time.
I don't even know how to be me, let alone someone else. Yes, when I fall, I fall hard (hence the two-three year's posts on one girl alone.. I think in my life I've had maybe 4 serious crushes), so it's extremely difficult for me not to express my emotions. It's even harder when you're a physical person, as I am, and the emotion you'd express in a touch, a hug, or a kiss can't be delivered except by words, because of distance.
And then there's self-confidence. Right. I can just about fake this, but in the end, mine is constantly in need of building as it keeps getting taken down. So how do you tell the girl you like, that you're trying to impress, who wants to see self confidence, that -- yes, you can be self confident, but a little bit of positive reinforcement would be nice, because she's used to playing the push and pull game, and you're not.
It all falls back on honesty, or I suppose rather, completeness. I can't tell her how I'm feeling, I can't ask how she's feeling, and I can't tell her how I feel about her. Anything else... fair game! FAIL.
If I had to say how I felt about this girl, without being too verbose, I'd say this:
She makes me want to delete all my porn.
OR
She makes me want to be a better man.
(I know the last bit rips off As Good As It Gets but I can't think of a better way of putting it... I like the person I want to be because of her)
I have been called worse things for much, much less than this. However, hearing it from someone I've known and been friends with for 10-13 years, at 7am, was a bit much. I promptly gave her the leadership of the guild, threw all my stuff into the guild bank or sent it to people who could use it, and closed my account, uninstalling WoW.
It's put a bit of a stress on my life, as many of my friends are also friends with said individual, or know of her, so I've been trying to refrain from speaking about them.. though it seems they have no such issues. Sigh.
What happened? I was told by on of our guildies that frequently took money out of the guild bank but never put any back in, that I could take the blues and purples (Epics and Rares) and sell them off to get some money back(which he had put there). When I had time, I did exactly that. Should I have spoken to people about it before? Perhaps, but I was told I could. (I was also the guild master, and had put about 80% of the funding/gold into the GB by that point.. for those who know, we had three bank tabs, for an idea of the cost)
In the end, out of 20 some items, I sold about 4 or 5 -- as soon as this broo ha ha happened, I pulled all the auctions and put everything back in the GB (before taking off)
Point is -- if you start taking a game too seriously, to the point that you have to call people up and ridiculous hours of the morning to insult them, you may need to turn off the game and go get some fresh air.
The wedding was beautiful. It was held in a tent outside of a fancy hotel in Ottawa called the Brookstreet. My sister was almost bawling halfway down the aisle.
The reception was very nice, my niece Kassaundra did the dance with her dad, the groom's dad, and my father(her grandfather)
She and her father cried during his speech. He also made my other brother in law with 3 girls tear up.
There really isn't much else to say about it, except for one thing, that didn't really bother me till today. I've always felt whenever there's a strong wind, that mom's around. Whenever I've been having a rough time, I'd go outside, and there'd be this wicked wind that would pick up, and it was pretty comforting. It happened a few times at her grave as well, and just out of nowhere. So yesterday, it was looking like it was going to storm something wicked, but it didn't. The wind however, was wild, feeling like it was going to tear the tent down. The moment that James and Kassaundra were saying their vows, the wind died down a little. As soon as the wedding itself was over and we'd gotten into the reception hall, the wind died down and the skies broke open. My sister wanted me to tell my niece that mom was around in some way, and I couldn't do it until I felt that wind. I almost made my niece cry, but I stopped short because she already knew what I was saying halfway through the explanation.
Would it be my LJ without senseless whining? Of course not.
The past month has been particularly stressful, I feel I'm quite deserved.
On the matter of my first speeding ticket:
On our way to Anime North, I'm following some friends. We get about 2-5 minutes from the hotel, and we get separated. Call ahead, tell them "no problem, we can see the hotel from here."
I hit the green light, and immediately see my friends. I hit the gas to catch up to them, only to be flagged down by a copy for speeding for a total of 20 seconds where I hit 28KM above the speeding limit. He was kind enough to drop it down to 20 over, which is a $95 fine. I'm sure it did not help that my hair was EXTREMELY short that day and I had a good 4-5 days worth of facial hair going on.
I hit the green light, and immediately see my friends. I hit the gas to catch up to them, only to be flagged down by a copy for speeding for a total of 20 seconds where I hit 28KM above the speeding limit. He was kind enough to drop it down to 20 over, which is a $95 fine. I'm sure it did not help that my hair was EXTREMELY short that day and I had a good 4-5 days worth of facial hair going on.
On the matter of roadrage:
I rented a car for a weekend, as I was doing a photoshoot with a friend living up in Almonte, and had to do some other running around that weekend. Absolutely NO incidents during the weekend, however on Monday morning when returning the car, I accidentally cut someone off. This particular individual seemed to decide this was quite a heinous war crime, as he proceeded to ride my tail for a bit. When I changed lanes to get out of his way, he drove up beside me. Not wanting to look over to give him a clear view of my face, I kept driving. I would slow down, he'd slow down. I'd speed up, he'd do the same. Finally we came to an intersection where he had to turn -- he was so enraged he almost hit the curb, swerving at the last minute. I took my turn and turned into gas station, which was clearly visible from where he would have been on the road. I returned car, also clearly visible if he'd stopped. Later that day, I get a call from the rental place, saying I have to come in to fill out a damage report, as the tail light is busted. .. a tad suspicious.
On being hit by a car:
A few weeks ago, Monday, I went to pick up my bike from my dad's place. Rusted as it was, I oiled her up, bought a bike pump, got the tires working, and was quite excited to be biking again. On Tuesday, I decided to bike into work (not a very long haul, by any measure) I was on the wrong side of the street, biking on the sidewalk. I approached an intersection, and saw a car slowing down to take the turn. Naturally assuming she'd stop, I went to pass in front of her. Instantly regretting my choice, I watched her keep creeping forward and eventually hit me. Luckily it was not enough to do serious damage, but I have a nice hole in my ankle, and the bruises have faded. I was too much in shock to get any details, as I wasn't in serious danger and I *was* on the wrong side of the road.
On losing my glasses:
Fucking Retarded. I put my glasses in the side pocket of my shorts cause I don't like wearing them, they sometimes hurt my neck. Either when I sat down or helped this guy in a wheelchair get into place, they fell out, and I didn't notice till I was off the bus. Thankully I have a pair of contacts that will do the trick.
That's it for the whining, promise. Next post will be a bit more upbeat and happy!
In May I finally got a tattoo I've been waiting for a while to get -- the Chinese symbols for Serenity, Wisdom and Courage.
This comes from my mother's favourite 'prayer' from when I was a child -- it was all over the house. I had developed it into kind of a mantra when things got really bad in my head. The placement reflects that, as it's on my left forearm, covering scars and preventing any new ones.
Last week in June I got my big tattoo, one that Andrea designed for me. This celtic cross, that Ricky ended up re-designing, taking the elements that Andrea had used. The top is the irish word for Mother, and the bottom is my mother's maiden name, Callaghan. I'm very happy with all of them, but especially this one.
( Pictures )
Subjects will include but are not limited to:
Niece is getting married tomorrow
Girls
(and therefore) Sweet romances (and obsessive crushes)
(and thus the ensuing) Paranoia and loss of self confidence
Stalkers
Being hit by a Car
(and thus) totalling my bike
Losing glasses
Being roadrage'd against and having my taillight smashed
Work
Tattoos
All 5 parts are now done.. I thought this was awesome.. the end brought a tear to my eye.
I'm not quite sure what to say.. she did a hell of a job carrying on a man's dream.
possibly my favorite commercial of all time
PLEASE SOUND OFF.
I know Audra's still alive and supposedly Alan(much to my dismay) but I'd like to know about the rest of you...
Oh, right. You're not in the loop. Let me give you a quick rundown:
June: My roommate Marc decides, that despite his not having a job, and not having anywhere else to live, that it's for the better if we hand in our two month's notice. Despite my pleas to wait another month for various reasons, he declines. We have to move out August 31st.
June 20th: Last day of my job. Still no word on a new job.
July 20th. I apply for unemployment, not realizing that the gov't requires you to apply for it immediately after unemployment.
August 18th: Begin new job.
August 25th Most of my stuff goes into storage. I officially run out of money, having used first paycheck to pay off bills/'serious' debts
August 30th. My best friend gets married. Paycheck from con get used to pay for tux rental.
Aug 31st I move out of apartment. Begin couch surfing for a month.
Now: Looking for an apartment. Little success in having amount of room I want for decent price.
Monday: Boss and his brother (the only two people I work with) go on vacation. Tell me nothing big should come up.
Monday Afternoon: Client calls. Little info on client as quote: "they shouldn't call, they're all set" ... Client has experienced huge employee turnover (in my words, layoffs) and doesn't have anyone trained for the CMS (content management system, lets you edit the webpages we've created .. think, the UI for LJ) All sorts of issues crop up as the new girl starts diving into things and begins having issues. I look like a huge fucking bananahead as I haven't been trained on all the features nor have I been there since the beginning.
Another client calls. More problems, forms are giving users invalid errors.
New client calls. Wants rush job/quote. Has to be turned away.
Today. Previous big layoff client calls again. More problems. I get reamed out for my boss' mistakes.
Fucking ridiculous errors in my code which I can't figure out.
NO BOSS AROUND TO HELP WITH CLIENTS OR ERRORS IN CODE.
Oh yeah. Still haven't found a place to live. Possible place, close to work, might be awesome. We shall see tomorrow.
At this exact moment, I hate my life.
... however. Thank God for good friends.
P.S. God help my ex-roommate if I ever see him whilst drunk. I will break him.
P.P.S. Yes, things could be worse, but compared to my usual whining, this seems a tad more serious.
P.P.P.S. I just made you read, outloud in your head, the word peepee.
- Location:@ Jody & Thea's
- Mood:
annoyed
I want a hug, I want to sleep, I kinda wanna not be alive right now.
Fuck. Just.. shoot me.
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chasethestars
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